brick & sailor

my engine sputters
dying down
and i'm just kinda
settling into the jerking
accepted the rolling
waiting to finally

stop

so i can close down
cool off
and all the little bumps
and steps
that my mind hears
taps that pedal
makes those extra feet
hard to bare
but i know
i've just got to stop
some time

i was fourteen
and called him Juice
a cousin of my best friend
who brought him to the library
where we talked
too much and i thought
really nothing of it
until he said otherwise

there are a lot more details
but in a nutshell
there was that summer
then the school year
then another summer
when he left.

he came back as someone else
and i was
someone else, of course
this was years and years later
that we'd decided to grow up
and ruin everything

i broke his heart for the last time
and didn't mean it that way
but knew that was it
when i saw him
white sheets and tubes and
no one told stories about us
we were millions of miles away

i regret being scared

i remember
my first.

sometimes i remember too often.
but he's worth it.

he did a great job.
set the bar high.
and I do wrong by him
every time I've lowered it.

i remember him.
i remember what it was like.

i can't have it back,
but I know it exists
and won't lower that bar
anymore.

i'm so tired
of looking at you
realizing
you're just pornography
the kind that
takes the value
away from skin
making it
cheap
making the same "Oh!" faces
as you do in the mirror
when you're thinking
about yourself
and sometimes
you have these moments
where I watch you
and think,
"yes,
this is what you are about"
but if I try to rewind
back to that scene
i feel how empty everything is
the lack luster lighting
and that your lines
are poorly rehearsed.

he is an ex
though we don't say this out loud
for fear of angry gods
and flying pans.

he sees the boots
the sweater
the lipstick
and knows what i'm up to.
pulls me aside
starts talking supply
and demand
don't compliment him
don't be interested
act like you're so much more
because you are,
so behave like a giant
like a snobbish king
you have a kingdom to tend to
he's just another serf
to adore you.

i can't tell if this is
SABOTAGE
so i listen with one ear
tell him this is not my first time out
and remind him
that I am a sun
brilliant
glowing
i give life to what i touch
and if you get any closer
i will burn
your fucking face off.

last night
i was told i was the only girl
they'd have a threesome with
i had the same two beers
i had ten years ago
not quite but close
later, he kisses me
like he's yelling at me
wide mouth and wild tongue
i stop because it's proper
run home and wash my face
and remember
this is what it's like to be young

the breadcrumb trails
you left behind to lead me
to your favorite hiding spots
have somehow been preserved
and every now and then
i follow them
and peek into your windows
to see if you are
smiling and laughing
or smashing bottles against walls.
this habit's been more frequent lately
as i realized all along
it wasn't my fault we'd lost our way
like you had told me
but you just didn't care who was there
to feed to your wolves

(oh, if you could only see
how i dance
knowing
i can always save myself)

the words go from
telegrams
to prose by messenger
to stamped by carrier
to winded postcards
to hoping you're doing just fine
and i'm just as guilty of
not licking stamps and
abandoning the wonder of
if it would be alright if i told you
there was
but there always is
and you know that
and we'll miss those little bits
and hope you're doing just fine.

coming back to the place where
we drank but never shared a glass
is very haunting in ways that
if you believed me, you know how hard the heart drops
and if you didn't, well it doesn't matter then, does it?

i still laugh
at the names you called me
what she called me

i wonder what she'll call your new little lover

anyway,
cheers to you,
here's to growth
i hope all is well
as it always should be.

i buy a new bottle
even a new glass to fill
rub the cork on my lips
dressing up the kiss
you won't fight for