brick & sailor

If I'm going to hell,
I intend to know
I fucking deserve it

Ok,
You've talked me into it
stock the fridge with beer
and get this show on the road
it's all piss
but who are we to judge

never say
meant to be
to me again
because if that were true
well, it's in my blood
to live in boxcars
and yet here I am
with my 4 door sedan
but who am I to judge

let's sing it to just the red eyes in the back

I'll put the sticker on my case
to know you love me
spell Heart Beat as two words
because they are to me
more than just a thing
we're more than just a thing
and it takes everyday
to get me by

I know I can't make it perfect
but I will try
and I can't be afraid of me or you
or what lives beneath the floorboards
but I know it's ok to hide
after I've put it all away
it takes more than just a day
to get me by

have you shaved
since I left?

i liked having you
in the same time zone.
i know
it's just an hour,
but it helped make it feel
as if you weren't that far away.

the air settles down from a sigh to a whisper
gives me goosebumps
and makes it easy to think
of all the ways I could throw down my cards
of this life
and join your table.

my engine sputters
dying down
and i'm just kinda
settling into the jerking
accepted the rolling
waiting to finally

stop

so i can close down
cool off
and all the little bumps
and steps
that my mind hears
taps that pedal
makes those extra feet
hard to bare
but i know
i've just got to stop
some time

i was fourteen
and called him Juice
a cousin of my best friend
who brought him to the library
where we talked
too much and i thought
really nothing of it
until he said otherwise

there are a lot more details
but in a nutshell
there was that summer
then the school year
then another summer
when he left.

he came back as someone else
and i was
someone else, of course
this was years and years later
that we'd decided to grow up
and ruin everything

i broke his heart for the last time
and didn't mean it that way
but knew that was it
when i saw him
white sheets and tubes and
no one told stories about us
we were millions of miles away

i regret being scared

i remember
my first.

sometimes i remember too often.
but he's worth it.

he did a great job.
set the bar high.
and I do wrong by him
every time I've lowered it.

i remember him.
i remember what it was like.

i can't have it back,
but I know it exists
and won't lower that bar
anymore.