5 posts from April 2009

i was fourteen
and called him Juice
a cousin of my best friend
who brought him to the library
where we talked
too much and i thought
really nothing of it
until he said otherwise

there are a lot more details
but in a nutshell
there was that summer
then the school year
then another summer
when he left.

he came back as someone else
and i was
someone else, of course
this was years and years later
that we'd decided to grow up
and ruin everything

i broke his heart for the last time
and didn't mean it that way
but knew that was it
when i saw him
white sheets and tubes and
no one told stories about us
we were millions of miles away

i regret being scared

i remember
my first.

sometimes i remember too often.
but he's worth it.

he did a great job.
set the bar high.
and I do wrong by him
every time I've lowered it.

i remember him.
i remember what it was like.

i can't have it back,
but I know it exists
and won't lower that bar
anymore.

i'm so tired
of looking at you
realizing
you're just pornography
the kind that
takes the value
away from skin
making it
cheap
making the same "Oh!" faces
as you do in the mirror
when you're thinking
about yourself
and sometimes
you have these moments
where I watch you
and think,
"yes,
this is what you are about"
but if I try to rewind
back to that scene
i feel how empty everything is
the lack luster lighting
and that your lines
are poorly rehearsed.

he is an ex
though we don't say this out loud
for fear of angry gods
and flying pans.

he sees the boots
the sweater
the lipstick
and knows what i'm up to.
pulls me aside
starts talking supply
and demand
don't compliment him
don't be interested
act like you're so much more
because you are,
so behave like a giant
like a snobbish king
you have a kingdom to tend to
he's just another serf
to adore you.

i can't tell if this is
SABOTAGE
so i listen with one ear
tell him this is not my first time out
and remind him
that I am a sun
brilliant
glowing
i give life to what i touch
and if you get any closer
i will burn
your fucking face off.

last night
i was told i was the only girl
they'd have a threesome with
i had the same two beers
i had ten years ago
not quite but close
later, he kisses me
like he's yelling at me
wide mouth and wild tongue
i stop because it's proper
run home and wash my face
and remember
this is what it's like to be young